Shame vs. Guilt: Knowing the Difference Is the First Step Toward Healing

By: Sydney Kurtz, LPC | Clinician at Head First Health

Having a thorough understanding of the specific emotions we are experiencing is a key

aspect of exploration in therapy. If we cannot accurately articulate what we are feeling,

how do we know what the root cause is? Exploring the exact emotion will ensure we

can address the origin of the present state. Two emotions that are often conflated is

shame and guilt. These two emotions hold very different meanings, and it is crucial to

identify in order to work through and process that emotion.

What Am I Experiencing?

Guilt is often viewed as “I did something wrong”, while shame can often be described as

“I am something wrong”. Discerning between the two is crucial. Reflecting on if this is

about something I did or about who I am can be helpful in figuring this out. Imagine what

it would be like to repair this emotion. If it is guilt, we often feel a little bit of relief if we

think about making amends or changing a behavior. If it is shame, it would often persist

after we imagine repairing it and we may feel like that might not be enough. These

reflective questions could be helpful in examining if we are feeling guilt or shame.

What Is Guilt?

Guilt is a moral emotion and can be viewed as a positive emotion to help keep us in

alignment with our morals and values; without this we would have no inner compass.

This emotion presents when we feel we have violated our values, caused harm, or done

something wrong.

I Feel Guilty, Now What?

Once we have identified this feeling of guilt and have this in your awareness, meet this

with curiosity for what this stems from. What is this emotion trying to tell me? The

emotion of guilt provides us the motivation to repair and reorient back to our morals and

values. It is a signal for how we can make a change to be in alignment with who we

want to be and to help maintain integrity. When it’s proportional, it is healthy and

adaptive. When we do not reorient or repair though, it can turn consuming and self-

punishing. Instead of dwelling on the past, we can create an actional change of plans

for the future that can lead to emotional relief.

What Is Shame?

Shame on the other hand is a self-conscious emotion that targets not what we do, but

who we are at the core. This is a harsh inner voice that judges rather than guides us. It

often makes one want to hide and disconnect, versus empower to reorient and change.

It often carries core beliefs of “I am wrong, unworthy, or defective”. This can be triggered

by rejection, criticism, failing, or where love feels conditional.

Healing Shame:

Shame thrives in vagueness- naming it allows us to separate ourselves from the

emotion. We can reframe this by turning “I am shameful” to “I am experiencing shame

right now”. This allows us to separate the behavior from our identity. We are allowed to

feel an emotion without it being indicative of our entire sense of self. A helpful tool at

this time could be thought diffusion in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. This

technique reframes our thoughts to create some distance so that our thoughts lose

some of their authority over our emotions and behaviors. An example would look like

reworking the thought “I am a bad person” to “I am having the thought that I am a bad

person”. Detaching our emotions from our entire sense of self can reduce the emotional

load and allow us to fully process these emotions.

Focusing On Inner Child Work:

For people that chronically feel shame, this can often be a learned response that has

helped protect one from rejection. If someone was often put down by a caregiver or the

love they received was conditional during developmental years, this can contribute to

these internal feelings of shame and unworthiness. Identifying the origin of feelings can

be really healing in moving forward- is this my voice or someone else’s? Reworking that

narrative in therapy is crucial for this type of shame. A helpful mantra could be: “You do

not need to be perfect to belong. You are allowed to make mistakes. I am here with

you”.

Compassion for Self:

Compassion for self is at the core of both of these emotions. In the context of guilt-

giving oneself grace that everyone makes mistakes. Everyone is learning throughout

life- we could not grow without these mistakes. The important aspect is identifying if we

have learned from this mistake and will make change moving forward, versus continuing

to punish ourselves. For shame, ask yourself, “If someone I loved felt this way, how

would I speak to them?”. This can provide perspective on how we are speaking to

ourselves and where self-compassion can be helpful. Some helpful phrases to say out

loud to ourselves could be: “You are allowed to make mistakes” or “You are still worthy

of care”.

Moving Forward:

Guilt and shame can feel very similar initially but the emotions and behaviors that follow

are very different. Guilt urges us to repair or fix things- apologizing, changing behavior

or making a new plan. Shame urges us to hide or self-protect- people please, withdraw

or shut down. These tools can allow one to identify what it is they are feeling, examine

the source of this emotion and explore what they can do to move forward.